Kazan Week 7 - "Charity :) "

September 28, 2015 

All is well :)

I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster ride :) coming to the end of a mission is not easy by ANY MEANS. It's so easy to get distracted. The future feels so close sometimes you try to reach out to touch it but it just back fires on you and tortures you cause you're not there yet :) So I'm trying my best to make my days count instead of counting the days! My companion is doing a really great job of supporting me and carrying my burdens with me. We have a lot of fun together and her Russian is AMAZING.

Yesterday was interesting. Everything just kind of piled up on me (or in other words I piled it up on myself) and all of the tiny tiny things that could be done more perfectly just made me SO frustrated with myself. I've been out for how long? About a year and four months, and I feel so frustrated repenting for the same sins over and over and trying and falling repeatedly. I feel like I just can't forsake these tiny little sins, and the guilt is really getting to me lately. Yesterday at church through all the meetings I felt like the biggest drama queen trying to hold back tears, and then in Sunday school, there's that scripture about continuing in patience until you are perfected,

D&C 67:13 Ye are not able to abide the presence of God now, 

neither the ministering of angels; wherefore, 

continue in patience until ye are perfected.

so I asked the question, "how can I find that patience?" as people started answering that question I just lost it.... the tears came and I was crying like a baby in front of the whole class. Then one of the members wanted us to all hold hands in a circle and pray for me, I know she had good intentions, but honestly that was just humiliating. After she finished praying my companion took me out of the room and just let me sob on her. I don't know WHAT on earth came over me. All that I can say is that I was frustrated with myself. Trying to be perfect is really hard. Because it feels so impossible. 

Something internal happened this week that affected everything around us. During planning we made a companionship goal to not give up on people in our contacting conversations, trying to keep things going and keep asking questions that could peak their interest. Well, that night all of our plans fell through, so we'd be contacting and it would be a perfect opportunity to put our goal to practice. The results were amazing. As we strived to really care about each person and discern their needs, as we changed the way we contacted... the people we talked to changed. Our conversations were longer and the people we talked to were very kind. It reminded me of the scripture "though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal." When we contact without love, and real intent, it's as if we're banging pots and pans with the sound of brass in their ears, who wants to listen to that? But when we contact with real intent, it's like John 13:35 where Christ says, "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." 

This weekend we will be having a baptism with Z :) She's been progressing so well and is ready :) 

Loooove,

Sister Wilson